A3: How to be Friends rather than ‘make contacts’ or ‘build a client base’

Biblical intro

‘I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my father I have made known to you.’ John 15:15

At a glance

This guides moves away from a professional/client relationship to building authentic friendships

Always be ready to listen and to talk

Be present in the community

A smile goes a long way

Key Points

It takes time for strangers/neighbours to become friends. It is important to be willing to spend time getting to know people, to listen and talk. The value of being ready to stop and talk to people is something that becomes apparent over time. In the early days on a new estate, this may not necessarily seem fruitful and yet the stories of how to be friends come from a place of knowing the value of taking time to get to know people.

There are many ways to be friends with people and specifics will vary in each context. The key is being open to the situation you are in and willing to learn in it. Every smile, wave and conversation, creates an opportunity, over time, to become friends. Sometimes this will happen naturally and quickly, other times it will take time, depending on individuals and situations. Having a posture of servanthood and of unconditional blessing are important in developing new friendships. See How to have a posture of servanthood and How to be an unconditional blessing. Shared interests and/or willingness to learn something new, allow space for friendship. Every time you meet with someone new, there exists potential for conversation and/or something unexpected and yet significant.

Fiona joined the Women’s Institute. Joining a local group allows opportunity to get to know people and their interests, and there is also potential to discover a shared interest. Fiona also discovered that in being a dog owner. Taking her dog out for walks and meeting other dog walkers, allowed for conversations and to become part of the dog walking community. Dogs become a talking point that allows space for natural conversation. These conversations can naturally turn into deep conversations with people. Fiona notes that it is important not to put the focus on the individual’s faith. If faith conversations come up they do so naturally and inviting people to events comes via a “by the way” or “if you ever wanted to come”.

Before moving onto the estate, Penny spent lots of time making friends with local residents. People quickly saw Penny as a friend and began inviting her in as a guest. Despite living off site, Penny was invited into residents’ groups because she was an authentic friend to those within the community. [See How to serve the estate if you don’t live there.] Sue also made friends with residents from the estate and saw the importance of having coffee with everyone, of pushing doors of friendships and being open to everyone.

Jade notes the way in which most of her time has been spent making friends with people and recognises she has been able to do this because friendship has been part of the culture within the estate. While Jade has been on the estate for three years, she recognises that because people trust Ali and others before her, they have come to trust Jade too. Jade has also found opportunities to step out of her comfort zone and to learn something new. In doing so Jade was invited into another resident’s space, their group of friends and has been learning about their interests and activities. Being a guest as well as a host is essential.

All these stories demonstrate the importance of being incarnational, dwelling within the estate. In being present, you become aware of the culture held by those within the estate. Sue states that, on her estate, there exists a culture of not knocking on people’s doors. In respecting this culture, she is respecting local residents, which is a sign of friendship. Friendship is built on trust. Trust is built by spending time with people, giving time to conversations and listening, it allows space to explore ways to work together in creating opportunities for others. It is important to not force friendship but to be open to opportunity.

On Ali’s estate, residents who were welcomed by a visit when the first moved in, now welcome new residents. Friendship continues and strengthens and those who have been received have gone on to share with others. 11 years into life on the estate, residents are recommending new residents and/or friends to Ali, Owen and others because of the friendships that have developed over the years. New friendships are being created and many long standing friendships are growing stronger.

Lythan noted that friendship can and does mean being an advocate for the community. Ali does the same. This was something also noted by those within Bicester.

Introverts and extroverts will conduct friendships in different ways. It is not about how you are a friends but rather emphasising friendship over a client approach. Friendship is powerful and gives emphasis to a working with rather than doing to approach. Journeying together to seek ways in which to create community in New Housing Areas. It is also a Christlike attitude through which people glimpse something of what God is like.

Learning Points

Being a friend rather than a professional means standing alongside people not above them. It is tempting to hide behind a professional role to disassociate ourselves from being connected to difficult situations or uncomfortable places, but Jesus said ‘I call you friends’. Let’s rise to this challenge

Be sensitive to the culture of the estate. Sue learnt that knocking on doors and visiting homes was not part of the ethos of the community. She found that a community Hub was a much better place for people to become friends with her and others

Ali learnt that boundaries are important but that everyone has personal boundaries within their friendships. By being aware of and managing these boundaries wisely, it is possible to avoid behaviours that indicate that people are ‘work’, rather than ‘friends’.

Engaging With New Housing